I finally got a diary again. I have this blog and use it regularly. But there is just somethings you want in a private place. Some people just keep it for themselves but I am one of those who loves to write and it has been helping me for years to write it down. I’ve been doing it since I was maybe 10 years old.
I get my thoughts out; as you’ve seen here too. But I also get to take some of the thought away from my head and store them in a little box; in this case my diary. It’s a bit more private. There is some things I don’t want I my blog. It is my deep and inner feelings and thoughts and those are only for me.
But I try to get some personal things on my blog too. It shows more than just what I’m up too; it shows me and therefore there has to be some kind of personal access to me on here.
I’m on my way for a, hopefully, good nights sleep. Cheers.
I thought it would be fun to write some things about me that not a lot of people know:
- I’m very stubborn. I really like to get my way with things and I don’t give up that easily. It’s good and bad but sometimes I catch myself in going over the line.
- I collect swarovski crystals. They can only be white with black dots as their eyes. If colours or weird eyes I don’t buy it or want it!
- I have a scar on my belly from when I was 1 year old and needed a major surgery because of some shit going on in my belly.
- I’m partly polish. My grandma was from Poland. I look a little like an east european sometimes!
- I’m insanely scared of horses and I don’t know why. They have never done anything to trick that fear!
I am going home to Denmark! I leave on the 20th of september which is pretty soon. There’s a lot of emotions connected to that. First of all my life is changing because I’m leaving the country and going back to Danmark. Second I’m leaving the important people in my life who are still in Canada/Vancouver. And third new challenges coming my way with going home.
For me to leave this country was probably one of the hardest decision I had to make on my own. I’ve been in Vancouver since midt june and I’m just not in a state in my life where I think this is the place for me. Right now I am ready to give up this country for a little while. I am ready to face the next challenge and that is just not here at the moment.
Last year when I left in november I threw myself out in the unknown. Maria needed to be found again. For so long I had been Jonas and Maria and for me to go on with my life after Jonas I needed to give up what I had. I had to give up my entire safety net. Right now I’m doing the same. I’m jumping out in to nowhere. It is terrifying. This blog post is terrifying for me to write. I don’t want to admit when I’m feeling down or weak. And these days I’m definitely NOT feeling stronger than ever! And that is not even true because when I think about the decisions I make in life, I know that the hardest one is to do what hurts!
I am leaving some stuff that has been hurting for a while and when I made the decision about leaving and going “home”, I also decided not to feel hurt anymore. I don’t want to feel like I’m trembling around and feeling insecure about myself. But the decision gave me a boost. I went from little insecure Maria to the woman I want to be. One that makes decisions for herself and does not base decisions on others – no matter who they are and how much they mean to me! So yes – right now I am a mess. All my feelings are mixed together – amazing heartwarming feelings and scary insecure feelings.
I leave someone I have become very fond of. Someone that has become my everyday smile. Someone that has helped me through the toughest time in my life! That is the absolute hardest thing in this situation! How can I leave this person? Well – I have to. I have to do this for ME and no one else! I know I will have my someone in my life for as long as I want to because that is how it is when you find someone you don’t want to live without – you do whatever to hold on tight!
On the other side I am very excited to see my family and friends at home. I am looking forward to being the little girl again and living at my moms house. I am looking forward to breathe and give myself a break! I am excited to go back to my memories and go back to visit Jonas’ grave and to see his family.
I am extremely vulnerable these days. Very emotional and I can’t stop everything that is going on in my head because I let myself feel! I will always let myself feel. If I want to cry I will cry and if I want to laugh I will!
My emotions is on the outside and so is my smile. My smile is there because I know these last 10 months has been the best decision I’ve made after Jonas died and my moms accident. I needed this! I needed this uncertain way of living. Some people told me to be careful and not run away. For me this is not running away from my feelings, they followed me. They made me even stronger because I went away from everything I knew. I left my safety net, I left my secure base, friends, family and “how things used to be”. I know now that I did something right. My personal development has been sky high and is still going op!
I’ve learned the hard way that life gives you challenges and you decide how YOU want to deal with it!