This is definitely not an easy post. I’ve been a widow for almost 1,5 years now and trust me it has its ups and downs – most downs I have to admit. But even though this is one hell of a challenge – I still see myself as somehow a lucky person. It sounds weird. But I’ve been through this and I would never wish it for my worst enemy, but I get to do what I’m doing at the moment – travel! I never imagined myself in Canada, let alone at a skiresort all winter, travel around the east and west coast of Canada, down the west coast to Las Vegas and Grand Canyon. But I did all these things and now I’m in Vancouver all summer, going to a festival in Squamish!
I have always tried to see this as an opportunity for me to do different then before, but despite of that I still meet barriers because of my past. To be honest – I met a guy, amazing person, really good friend of mine, been there for me all winter and we clicked, we are great together in a lot of ways. He is dear to my heart – somewhere deep inside I thought it could turn out to be something great. It turned out that wasn’t the case – and that is OKAY – it really is. It’s definitely not easy at all but I know I met this guy for a reason. I know that he had to be a part of this journey going forward. I also know that my past is a huge part of this not happening. That was a huge blow in the stomach! “How can this be – how can something in my past that I have no way of controlling ruin something good?” – Yeah this is just a small piece of all the thoughts going through my head. I can’t and I won’t change my feelings and past. Jonas will never be able to be erased from my mind and my heart. And I know this guy is an amazing guy, otherwise I wouldn’t have been with him. I know that he cares about me, I know that he really is there for me – but everything can’t be what you want it to be. And in this case – it just wasn’t meant to be.
This is the first time it has been a barrier for me – the first time I felt my past as a burden and not a possibility! And ouch does that hurt. But I will let it hurt! How can I not – I can’t change it, I can’t push it away so my only option is to deal with it and let it hurt like freaking hell!
But God – I never expected this. I never expected it to be a barrier, because I have never seen it as one. Maybe that makes me naive – I don’t know. But I don’t think it’s wrong of me to believe in the best in people and life! I believe in life! Even though it was taken away from me. I will perhaps always be naive – because my believes will always be the same – I will always believe it to be a new way for me in life!
… AND I WILL EMBRACE LIFE AND EVERYTHING IT OFFERS!